I’m filming this for my safety

[upbeat music] So I've been told I'm very consistent at being inconsistent, which honestly sounds like something my ex-wife would say right before I'm legally banned from Chuck E. Cheese again. But hey, I try not to regret today in case tomorrow never comes. That's why I got a tattoo that says YOLO in Comic Sans right above my hemorrhoid. Classy and painful like prom night. Why do priests never play UNO? Because they're scared of drawing a four-year-old. You ever walk in on a woman just straight up fingering herself? Not like porn style, like real life. Like I forgot to knock style. I didn't say anything. I just stood there like a TSA agent. "Ma'am, do you have anything to declare?" You ever go to a school that's so woke it has men's tampons in the bathroom? First of all, that's not how it works. Second of all, I took a few. Not for my ass. Just great for nosebleeds when you're doing coke in the staff lounge. Taste my toes or smell my fingers. Choose wisely. That's not a joke. That's a prophecy. That's how my uncle used to start poker night. You can't spell happiness without penis, which is why most people's joy ends in court documents. I love being a father, especially around tax season. There's nothing more beautiful than watching a six-year-old spell his own fake name for the IRS. Why don't cemeteries have Wi-Fi? Because people there are already dead inside. If God wanted to be naked, I guess we would've been born that way, but no. He looked down and said, "Cover your shame, but keep the socks. The socks stay on during sex." Did you know koala bears have two penises, and female koalas, two vaginas? That's not even a punchline. That's just evolution giving Australia a head start in orgy logistics. If I were a superhero, I'd be Koala Man, mild-mannered, smells like eucalyptus, and I ghost girls using both my dicks. I went to church tripping balls one time, told the preacher's daughter I love her just like Jesus, except I want to fuck her. Now I got to unlearn church just to get to know Jesus, because when I picture the Last Supper, I see a bunch of dudes not tipping the waitress and one guy saying, "Hey, Jesus, what wine pairs best with betrayal?" The fun never ends when you're homeless, especially if you're living in an abandoned theme park. You ever do meth in a teacup ride while Mickey Mouse watches you give hand jobs for beef jerky? That's not rock bottom. That's Disney adjacent. Your behavior toward others, it's affecting the environment. Every time you ghost someone, a coral reef dies. And every time I ghost someone, I get slightly harder. If you scream in your sleep, does your therapist charge extra? Yes. It's called a surcharge for trauma leakage. Please forgive me for the mean things I said that were absolutely accurate. You got to learn to use what you got, especially if you were born with a little dick. Me, I use mine as a conversation starter at TSA checkpoints. My racist uncle doesn't drive. He says it's because his tires are black. He also thinks "Moana" is Chinese propaganda. If I get arrested, serious question, who's going to bail me out? Because my dad's broke, and my mom thinks I'm already dead. The time cops are looking for me, all I do is kill time and finger bang the space time continuum. I hope one day archeologists find my used condoms and think I was part of some ancient fertility cult. Spoiler, I was. It's called Tinder Premium. Why don't lobsters have sex toys? They do. It's called their claws. Ever seen a crustacean jerk it? When I wake up with a wet dream, my wife just stands over me like, "What the fuck, Barry?" Like I cheated on her in my subconscious. Like I owe her ghost alimony. And listen, if the Red Sea is flowing, take the dirt road. That's biblical advice straight out of Leviticus. Last thing, fill a tampon with vodka, shove it up your ass, and you'll be drunk faster than a priest at a youth camp BBQ. I only pay attention if it's a girl named Attention, and she's sucking my dick. Thank you. God bless Koala Man, and good night. Taste My Toes or Smell My Fingers, streaming now on VHS and in your uncle's divorce trailer.