That’s right I’m gonna bang your mom

Oh, look at this crowd. A sea of offended faces. Did I walk into a TED Talk on how to clutch pearls, or is this just your natural state? What's the matter? Did I hurt your feelings? Oh, no. Someone call the feelings ambulance. Beep-beep. Here comes the pity parade. I could say literally anything up here, and half of you would be offended just because it's me saying it. Watch this. Puppies are overrated. Boom. There goes Karen in the front row. Oh, and don't even get me started on the guy in the back. Yeah, you, Mr. Arms Crossed, I'm-too-cool-for-this. You look like the human embodiment of a LinkedIn profile picture. But hey, I get it. You're all here for a good time, right? Except apparently, your definition of a good time is sitting in silence, judging me like I'm the last avocado at Whole Foods. And now, for the grand finale, I'm going to do what every comedian dreams of doing. I'm going to bang your mom. Yeah, all of you. Line them up. I've got the stamina of a caffeinated squirrel.