Dale the Alien Abductee

[gentle music] Tonight's guest says aliens abducted him from a rest stop on the Thruway. I asked for literally any other guest. They said no. [gong] So Dale, walk me through it. Timestamps. You stopped for gas and then what? A spaceship's just parallel parked? It didn't park, it hovered right over the beef jerky display. The lights were humming in B-flat. B-flat. Okay. And these beings, what did they look like? Take your time. I'll wait. I've got nowhere to be. Gray. Tall gray. Except one was short and wore what I can only describe as a tiny vest. A vest. One of your intergalactic kidnappers was dressed for Casual Friday. [laughing] Did they say what they wanted? They audited me. They scanned my whole life, said my aura had deductions. The aliens did your taxes. Dale, I'm going to ask this as gently as I can. Were you at any point that night awake? I was awake. I remember the cold table and the smell, like burnt popcorn and pennies. Burnt popcorn and pennies. Very specific. The kind of detail that makes me think you rehearsed this in the mirror. I didn't rehearse. The little one with the vest, he took my shoelaces as a souvenir. Your shoelaces. An advanced civilization crossed the galaxy for your shoelaces. You understand why I'm struggling here? They said my laces had a rare knot, a knot they'd never seen. I'm special, Janine. He's special. Okay. Dale, did they return you? Because you're here, and your shoes appear to be laceless. They're gone. See? Proof. Where else would my laces go? Dale, last question. Why you, of all the people on Earth? Because I was the only one at the rest stop at 3:00 a.m. They said the pickings were slim. There you have it. Aliens, real, judgmental, and shopping for knots at Thruway rest stops. I'm Janine. This has been Reluctant. [upbeat music] Good night. Tell them I said hi if they come back.